- I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker (twitter.com)
- “Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives.” ― Huntley Fitzpatrick, My Life Next Door
- “I read the title from the cover. ‘ ‘The joy of… crap.’ ‘ I read the rest of the full title of the thick, nondescript volume to myself and felt myself redden.Noah turned over on to his side and said with mock seriousness, ‘I have never read ‘The Joy Of Crap’. Sounds disgusting.’ I blushed deeper. ‘I have, however, read ‘The Joy Of Sex.’ ‘ He continued, a smile transforming his face. ‘Not in a while, but I think it’s one of those classics you can come back to again… and again.” ― Michelle Hodkin, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
- “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.” ― George Carlin
- “I had a dream about you last night… You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m’s.” ― Amy Summers, I Had a Dream About You
- “With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.” ― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
- If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey
- Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister
- “Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.She sounded as though she was having sex.Good sex.” ― Cherry Adair, Kiss and Tell
- “*Appendix usually means “small outgrowth from large intestine,” but in this case it means “additional information accompanying main text.” Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.” ― Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret
- “I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. ‘Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.’ ‘Unless you’re a vegan.’ ‘Uh-huh. But then you’re a vegan and you don’t count.” ― Julie Powell, Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes, 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen
- “Rose’s work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be so interested.”Beautiful- what-is-it?” she asked as she pinned it high on the wall, where Rose could not reach.”They take your pictures,” said Indigo,… when he finally made out what all the roaring and stamping was about. “They do take them…. Why do you want that picture so much?” he asked Rose.”It was my best ever,” said Rose furiously. “I hate school. I hate everyone in it. I will kill them all when I’m big enough.””You can’t just go round killing people,” Indigo told her…” ― Hilary McKay, Saffy’s Angel
- If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. Chris Rock
- “Pirates are humans. Just misunderstood humans.” ― Kyleigh Williamson, Speaking Up for Each Other: A Collection of Short Stories for Tweens and Middle Grade Readers
- “Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.” ― Marian Keyes, Watermelon
- “My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
- “By and large, it’s better to be far and small.” ― John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
- “Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Intern
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright
- “Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!”Talk?’ He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. ‘We talk all the time, Raine. I’ve never had such talkative sex.”That’s just it!’ She wiggled, flailed, but couldn’t budge him. ‘Two minutes alone with you, and I’m flat on my back. Every single time!’A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. ‘Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top?” ― Shannon McKenna, Behind Closed Doors
- “I had a dream about you last night… you were crying over spilt ink screaming “the words, the what could have been beautiful words.” ― Nicole McKay, I Had a Dream About You
- “Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy
- “You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly,
- You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. Dave Chappelle
- “The mule took out two small jars, one of a white gooey texture and another of a blueish red liquid that wasn’t purple because the mule had skipped art class when he was younger” ― J.S. Mason, The Satyrist…And Other Scintillating Treats
- “Isabelle snorted, “All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.””You noticed,” said Simon. “I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,” added Magnus. “Please never say those words in front of my parents,” said Alec.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls
- “We losers don’t fear death. For us it’s the end of a lifelong losing spell.” ― Dakota Dawn
- “No bikinis on a first date.” He nods. “I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.” ― Huntley Fitzpatrick, My Life Next Door
- “Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.” ― Victor J. Stenger
- “Why couldn’t you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!” ― Pittacus Lore, The Rise of Nine