- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown
- “Okay, first of all, I didn’t sleep with you to make amends. I slept with you because I wanted to.”He still didn’t say anything, and she pointed at him again. “And you know what? It was your own damn fault. It was those jeans you wear, and the tool belt. It was the size of your hammer!” ― Jill Shalvis, Once in a Lifetime
- “I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell ‘Flame on!'”Leo snorted. “If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than ‘Flame on!” ― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
- “Who cares even if I didn’t?!” Conor shouted back. “They’re just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!”The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise.” ― Patrick Ness, A Monster Calls
- “Dammit. I think I’m in like with the naked man I met today.” ― RJ Gonzales, Mundahlia
- “I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.” ― Jess C Scott, New Order
- “The money in the chorus isn’t very good, is it?!” she said.“No.” It was less than you’d get for scrubbing floors. The reason was that, when you advertised a dirty floor, hundreds of hopefuls didn’t turn up.” ― Terry Pratchett, Maskerade
- Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
- “I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.” ― Zsa Zsa Gabor
- “The Dimwit’s Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket.” ― Anne Bishop, Marked in Flesh
- It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. Louis C.K.
- Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C.K.
- “No crime is a means to an end. No crime can be rationalized.” ― Compton Gage
- “Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.” ― Christopher Moore, Island of the Sequined Love Nun
- “This too shall be passed.” ― John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
- What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
- “She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades’s gym shorts.” ― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse
- When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
- “He should probably make love to her.” ― Tara Janzen, Crazy Love
- “I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it.” ― Michael Summers, I Had a Dream About You
- “America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.” ― Stephen Colbert, I Am America
- “How are you feeling?”I leaned away from him. “Gross.”Aiden frowned. “Gross?””I haven’t brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don’t come near me.”He laughed. “Alex, come on.””Seriously, I’m gross.” I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. “You’re as beautiful as always, Alex.”I stared at him. He must not get out much.” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Deity
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
- Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team effort. ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. You can’t do nothing by yourself. Kevin: Baby I’m gonna be right back I’m going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. I just wanna get some chips. I ain’t going to sleep with nobody. Kevin Hart (YouTube video)
- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
- “Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?” ― P.C. Cast
- Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
- “Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.” ― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of Words
- “Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!” ― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds
- “I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.” ― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?