- “Puns are the highest form of literature.” ― Alfred Hitchcock
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
- “Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, “You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.” ― Shelly Laurenston, Pack Challenge
- “Raphael met Michaela’s gaze. “If you could kill every single beautiful woman in the world, would you?”Her smile never faded. “In an instant.” ― Nalini Singh, Archangel’s Kiss
- If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.
- You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey
- I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
- If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams
- “When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.” ― Amit Kalantri
- “Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. “I really can’t believe it,” Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. “It’s a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They’re confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn’t have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left.”In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna.” ― Joseph Heller, Catch-22
- I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ Jimmy Fallon
- “I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.” ― Demetri Martin
- Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Louis C.K.
- “Glass half full, or glass half empty, what am I? The answer? I’m not the bloody glass, I’m the fucking tap! Meaning, whatever my glass decides to be on a certain day, empty or full, I control how I feel and the flow of the milkshake inside it” ― Jimmy Tudeski, Comedian Gone Wrong
- “Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky—then toss your phone into the bushes.” ― Waylon H. Lewis
- “Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. “I doubt you have the capacity.” ― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
- “Do you know where your breakthrough begins? Your breakthrough begins where your excuses ends.” ― Patience Johnson, Why Does an Orderly God Allow Disorder
- “People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need people.” ― Terry Pratchett, Maskerade
- Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years. Tina Fey
- “Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants
- “So you’re here by yourself?”“Yes.”“Seems like an odd place to come by yourself.”“I needed to get away.”“Woman trouble? That’s another of my father’s expressions.”“No, actually. I poisoned my neighbor’s dogs.”After a moment she said, “How drunk are you?”“Quite.”“Is that true?”“What?”“That you poisoned your neighbor’s dogs.”“I’m afraid it is.”“I have dogs.”“Well, keep them away from me.” ― David Gilmour, Sparrow Nights
- “The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.” ― Don Roff
- “Brilliance is impossible without a touch of insanity.” ― Skyla Madi, Your Guardian Angel
- A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw
- “No crime is a means to an end. No crime can be rationalized.” ― Compton Gage
- “I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and I knew you were probably sensitive about parties that emphasize the aging process, so I decided to box up your gift in a coffin and wrap it with black wrapping paper. I got you the best gift ever too—a hooker, who happened to be dead, because that enabled me to procure a sizeable discount. ” ― Dora J. Arod, I Had a Dream About You
- “Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.” ― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town
- “Are you a female dog?””What?” Massie asked. “Why?””Because you are acting like a real bitch!” ― Lisi Harrison, The Clique
- “My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.” ― Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
- Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg